Lost and Found
by Voyfemme
Summary: Part 20: Lost and FoundSummary: Voyager’s senior staff deal with the disappearance of B’Elanna and Harry JC, P T, N, Tu, KT, DTakes Place after Muse
1. Chapter 1

**Part 20: Lost and Found**

Summary:

Voyager's senior staff deal with the disappearance of B'Elanna and Harry (JC, P/ T, N, Tu, KT, D)

_Pairing: _JC, P/ T, N, Tu, KT, D _Rating_: PG-13_ Type of Story:_ Reflective _Level_: 2

* * *

**Part 20: Lost and Found**

**Lost:**

**_When a lover is lost, the heart is torn and guilt plays a large part in it._**

_If only….._

Tom was in her quarters going over his portion of the sensor logs. He wanted to work in her quarters, he _needed_ to work in her quarters. He needed to do it to keep his connection to her alive…..his connection to the woman who owned his heart

If only he was able to see what would have happened when she left for the away mission. He should have been there. He would have been able to pilot them to safety. But she had insisted on going to look for the dilithium herself and he needed to go on his own away mission with Neelix to negotiate for some food supplies, and in the end the Captain had decided, but he had been able to insist that she take the Flyer, it was a sturdier ship and he trusted it to get her and Harry home to Voyager safely.

He was so sure that she would have been alright. It was a routine mission and sensors did not detect the fact that an ion storm was coming until it had already passed and the shuttle was lost. But that was always the reality of space. Anything could happen. They could survive the Borg and Species 8472 only to be killed by a simple ship malfunction left undetected.

No!……..

_She's out there and I'm going to find her._

**_When a lover is lost, there is also remorse_.**

_So many things I should have said to her. I love her so much and still it's so hard to say those words to her. Maybe I don't know if she wants to hear them. No, no……..I know it's because every time I say them, I open another part of me for her to see what's in there. It's so frightening, she can see all of it; all of the hurt………and I am hurt right now….deeply. I didn't think that it was possible for me to care so much and to hurt as much as I am hurting now, even with everything that has happened in the past. I only wish that she was here for me to tell all the things that I should said. How much she has brightened up my life, how much she has deepened its meaning. How I can't imagine a time when I wasn't in love with her and how I won't ever give up on her. She is my lover and my friend. I can't lose her and my best friend at the same time._

**_When a friend is lost there is determination._**

_Harry….hang on buddy…..Captain Proton to the rescue!_

_It's always the heroes who get the glory. People always forget that the side kick is the one who makes it possible. He's the one who takes the blows meant for the hero, he's the faithful friend. My first friend on Voyager and my best friend._

_Come on Harry……I need you back here. We've got to save the world from 4 more chapters of Dr Chaotica evil plans. We still have years ahead of us to torture Tuvok and the Doctor before we make it back to earth. And when we make it back, I want you here with me. You've wanted to go home for so long. Don't give up on us now._

_Hang on both of you….._

_We're coming…… I'm coming_

_Don't you two give up on us…_

_DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP.

* * *

_

**_When colleges are lost it is logical to use every resource available to locate them, especially here on Voyager_**

This crew is made up of emotional species. The loss of two beloved crew members will have a profound effect on all. Efficiencies will be compromised and our primary mission will not be accomplished, not by a distracted and emotionally distraught crew.

It is as Ambassador Spock said. The needs of the many out weigh the needs of the few and even the need of the one. The needs of the many to have their friends back on Voyager safe and sound outweigh the needs of the few to continue the mission or the one who knows it is not logical to expect that they survived given the odds.

When members of Voyager's senior staff are lost, logic dictates that I must do everything within my power, to find them for the good of this crew and by extension for my own good.

B'Elanna Torres; headstrong, stubborn and angry. She has begun making great strides in managing and controller her anger and I desire for her the peace that comes from mastering her emotions.

Harry Kim; though exasperating in his behavior during his off hours, he is a good example of a senior officer aboard this ship. I have seen him go from a novice officer to a seasoned one and I count myself as fortunate for having witnessed such a transformation. He deserves to live long and prosper like any other member of this exceptional crew.

Both have given their all to this crew and to its primary mission. It is difficult to imagine this journey without them.

_**When friends are lost logic dictates that I give my all to find them.

* * *

**_

_**When crew mates are lost, the efficiency of the ship decreases. **_

Especially on this ship. On a Borg Cube, when a drone is lost and disconnected from the collective, it is left behind if contact cannot be re-established. Its memories remain in the collective and that is enough for both the Collective and the drone. The memories of their lost crew mates are retained by the rest of the crew; by their colleagues, their friends, their lovers and their subordinates, but it is not enough in this collective.

They are unique and are not interchangeable like drones. They cannot be replaced in the minds and hearts of the members of this crew and they must be found.

It is comforting, to know that if I "disappeared" that they too would work tirelessly and not give up. I am unique to them and I cannot be replaced. Even though I have disappointed them at times, they are always behind me especially the senior officers of the crew.

_**When friends are lost from this crew, I find myself understanding more and more the concept of family.

* * *

**_

**_When friends are lost and you are primarily responsible for the physical health of the crew, all you can do is prepare….prepare for the best and the worst._**

The Doctor surveyed the sickbay…..it was spotless, he was ready as he ever would be.

He had spent the previous hour, double checking all of the equipment in sickbay and downloaded all of the medical texts that could possibly come into play. He downloaded new procedures for people experiencing radiation poisoning, cutting edge technology on triage and even advanced burn treatment methods as well as several other possible treatments that may come in handy. To ensure that he had enough space, he had uploaded his opera, painting and all other self improvement subroutines into Voyager's database. He had however left the additions to his personality that made his bedside manner more comforting to the crew. That was one of the most important subroutines, especially now when friends were lost and possibly coming back to him battered and bruised.

Now there was nothing else he could do but wait. But he didn't shut his program off to do that. He stood in the middle of sickbay and using his program, he accessed his memory files. He scrolled through them slowly, 'remembering' the times that he, B'Elanna and Harry had together on this crazy journey that was the best thing that ever happened to him as a hologram. He only hoped it wasn't the worst thing that happened to his friends.

He left the autopsy protocols in the database.

_**When friends were lost, preparing for the worst does not mean giving up.

* * *

**_

_**When friends are lost sometimes it's all you can do to keep sane.**_

Especially if there is nothing you can do to help them directly as it is not your primary function. You look at other crew members working, doing everything that they can to find them, and you note the silence that seems to be hanging around the ship like a ground fog. It even radiates outwards, permeating the hull. The stars themselves seem dimmer as they search grid by grid trying to find a glimpse of them.

**_When friends are lost, you begin to realize how much others care_**.

Even the most efficient and the most logical seem to perform inefficient acts such as re-examining sensor logs looking to capture the 0.5 error, and illogical acts such as pushing oneself past peak performance conditions.

When friends are lost, it seems painfully clear how much of a family you've have become, even though you started off as strangers. You realize how much of a bond has been formed during the journey and appreciate the fact that it cannot be broken easily. When friends are lost and there is not much that you can do, even the little that you have been entrusted to do, you do to the best of your ability. To ease the burden of those who are looking for them, to be there for them in anyway that you can.

**_When friends are lost, sometimes it's the only way you can keep sane is to concentrate on the mundane.

* * *

_**

**_When two of your crew members, two of your family members, are lost there is no time for tears._**

Kathryn chided herself with that thought. It was just that she was exhausted. She had only managed to get a minimum amount of sleep in the last week and it was taking its toll. She was the Captain. B'Elanna's lover, one of her best friends, Harry's best friend and all the rest of senior staff was counting on her keep hope alive.

To dismiss Chakotay after giving two off-hand statements about hope was to give him the wrong impression. He knew her as well as, and sometimes even better than she knew herself, but this time he might get the wrong impressions by her actions. She had pushed him away from in order to deal with her grief alone, as if she were in complete mourning, as if she herself had given up. But Kathryn Janeway did not give up. And she _wouldn't_ give up until there was tangible evidence before her that she should and perhaps, not even then.

Grabbing her PADDs, Kathryn left her Ready Room.

On the bridge, she noted Tom was searching from the Conn with a grim determined look on his face.

_**When family members are lost, that's what you're supposed to do.**_

She walked down to the Helm and placed a hand on his shoulder.

Tom looked up at his Captain and saw the look of hope on her face.

"They're out there; they're _alive_ and we _will_ find them."

Tom gave a large smile. It meant so much that the Captain was not giving up. After the last briefing, he was so afraid…..

"Aye Captain."

"I'm going to get some rest. Notify me immediately if there is any change."

"Yes Ma'am"

Tom went back to his work and Kathryn couldn't help but notice that the grim look was gone.

* * *

"Come"

Chakotay barely looked up from his PADDs until he registered who was standing at his door. His hand stopped flying over his consul and Kathryn thought that she could detect a tremble as she came towards him.

"Relax Chakotay, there's no news. I just wanted a different place to work."

Chakotay did, and gestured to a seat next to him. Kathryn took it and they worked in silence for a while.

The sensor analysis was not complicated, just routine. As the sensors mapped out a grid, one of the senior officers was given the task to analyze the results and see if there was anything that could tell them where the away team went down. It could have been done by junior officers. But that thought had never crossed their minds. This was something that the senior officers had to do. They had to find two of their own.

Chakotay's eyes began to blur, so he put down the PADD that he was working on and rubbed them. Then he leaned back on his chair and his gaze fixed on the incense that he had burning in his quarters.

_For a warrior, on the eve of battle to sharpen his senses_.

B'Elanna had given him the incense. He wasn't on the eve of battle, but the scent reminded him of her. Reminded him of the woman who had stared off as a lost and hostile misfit and ended up as a trusted senior officer on a Starfleet crew. Chakotay pushed back his chair and went to the table holding the incense. Next to it was a small Klingon statue. B'Elanna had given it to him as an offhanded gift when they had found it on one of their Maquis raids. She didn't want the reminder of anything Klingon. He told her that he would keep it as a reminder of her, because as much as she tried to deny it, she was Klingon and that fact was made obvious by her forehead. He remembered the look in her eyes. If he had been anyone else, he might have gotten his throat ripped out where he stood. He knew what it meant. It meant that finally he had earned her trust and he always kept the statue as a symbol of that. He had used the statue in his prayer too five days ago after they had been searching for a week. His spirit guide said that there was nothing to fear. At that time he took it to mean that they would get them back safe and sound, but with each passing day, his hopes grew dimmer and he began to wonder what that statement really meant.

_**When a sister is lost, what do you do to keep the hope alive?  
**__**You don't try to keep the memories at bay.**_

So he let them come. Memories of the firefights that they had lived through. Memories of fighting with her, side by side until all their enemies lay defeated at their feet. Even the enemies that lived within themselves, especially the enemies that they were to themselves. She had been there when he was just as angry as she, and he had communed with her anger. She had tried to be there when he was finding peace and he hadn't let her at first, but recently he began to do exactly that. He had been there as she had fought her biggest demons with the courage and strength of a true warrior. She had invited him to stand with her as she fought those battles, he had been proud to do so, he had been so proud of her.

_**When a friend is lost how do you know that he will be found?  
**__**You just do.**_

He remembered when he first came on board, how distrustful Ensign Kim had been of him, of the rest of the Maquis. But after working with him that first year, he realized just how big the young man's heart really was. Harry had a knack for looking at people and seeing the good and drawing it out by just being around them. When he first came on board, Chakotay thought that his naiveté was the reason for this, but he quickly found out that it was just a trait of Harry. He lost some of the naiveté as the Delta Quadrant threw every thing it had at the young man, but he was beginning to find a certain grace. Something like the grace Chakotay knew Harry he had grown to admire and tried to emulate during their third and fourth year of being lost. Now, the grace that Mr. Kim had was not a pale imitation of Chakotay's, but one of his own, being formed by his own experiences. The man who had selected Chakotay to be a role model was working to becoming one. And with that they had moved to being friends. He, Tom, Neelix and Harry had formed a bond of friendship which he knew was different to the rest of the senior staff. Who would have ever thought that the man that he thought was a mercenary, one who he though was useless and one who he thought was too straight-laced would have become three of good friends.

Chakotay gave a large smile

_Must be the journey._

Kathryn had heard Chakotay stop working and get up from the table. She figured that he was going to get something in his bedroom and went back to work. She had lost all track of time until she suddenly looked up and found that she was still alone. She looked across and saw Chakotay looking at the view port. He was lost in thought and lost in some thing else.

Kathryn thought she saw something on his face and got up to investigate. As she got closer to him, she realized that she was correct.

Chakotay felt her arm go around his waist and automatically his arm went around her shoulder. He hadn't even realized that he did the action until he felt her stiffen slightly and then relax. Then he turned and looked at her quizzically. But as Kathryn realized, he didn't remove his arm and neither did she.

"Kathryn?"

She reached up and ran her fingers lightly on his cheek, Chakotay felt the warmth of her touch and wetness.

"You're crying Chakotay." Kathryn said it so softly that she was almost whispering.

It was at that time he looked down embarrassed.

"If I had allowed you to stay in the ready room you would have seen that I was doing the same thing."

Before he could ask, Kathryn answered his question.

"I didn't want you to think that I had given up."

"Do you think I have?"

"No." Kathryn didn't hesitate as she answered him.

"It just seems like the odds are against us, but I keep reminding myself how much we have been through together. I won't accept that we've lost them Captain, I can't."

"Neither will I and that's all that matters."

They turned to face the viewport as the ship jumped to warp to go to the next sensor grid. They were silent throughout the short journey, each lost in their own thoughts, but each drawing support from one another. The hope that had been failing a few hours ago, was now born again. But it was stronger than before because they knew that no matter what, they were going to face the outcome together. They wouldn't give up and they would support each other in keeping that hope alive.

They needed some time to grieve privately. Grieving facilitated something that they both knew that they had to do; to consider the possibility that B'Elanna and Harry could really be lost this time. Chakotay had took his time to grieve before he reported the news to the Captain and Kathryn did such when she dismissed him. Paradoxically, it was after they did that, they were both able to feel the stirring of true hope and it was not lost on either one of them that in the end, they had sought out and found the other.

_**When friends are lost, what is needed most of all is to be surrounded by loved ones…….by family.

* * *

**_

"Bridge to Chakotay."

"Go ahead." Chakotay held his breath and he realized that Kathryn was doing the same.

"Request permission to be relieved."

"Understood I'll be right there."

Both he and Kathryn smiled. The Vulcan had worked harder than either had ever seen him to retrieve their missing crew members. Although he would argue it from a logical point, both Chakotay and Kathryn knew that in his own Vulcan way he was devoted to the crew and staying up for ten days straight doing sensor data analysis was one of the ways he showed it.

Kathryn and Chakotay stared at each other for a little while longer.

"You'd better go."

"And I think you'd better get some sleep Kathryn." Chakotay said in reply and she heard the concern in his voice.

"I'll try." He smiled. He felt that she would.

"Bridge to the Captain."

"Yes, Ensign"

"We've found them Captain, they're all right. We've laid in a course at maximum warp."

"We're on our way."

On the Bridge, Tom picked up on the plural pronoun and gave a sharp glance to Tuvok who was doing his best to keep a straight face in Tom's opinion. Tom grinned, all's right in his world, he could afford now to speculate about someone else's.

As Chakotay broke contact with Kathryn, she noticed that he was looking at her and smiling softly.

"What?" She demanded, he tone carrying the normal command timber.

Chakotay used his fingers to wipe her one of her tears.

"Now you're crying." He said just as softly as she did earlier.

Kathryn gave a short gasp and began dashing her eyes furiously. Still grinning, he waited until she had composed herself and took his place right behind her as they exited his quarters.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Found:**_

"Did you get one of these?" B'Elanna held a PADD out to Tom. He examined it and started chuckling.

"In fact I did. I was just about to ask you if you had gotten one". Tom leaned closer to her to whisper in her ear. The Messhall was crowded and he didn't want anyone to overhear him by chance.

"I wonder what this is about? I've never gone to the Captain's quarters before."

"Well that's because you're not as privileged as some of us." Tom was teasing her and B'Elanna playfully punched him in the arm.

"Hey!" He exclaimed.

"Can't you two ever behave?" Harry came up to them. And put his tray down. They chuckled quietly in answer to his question. Harry seemed to be debating saying something. Tom looked at him inquiringly as Harry started,

"So, are you two doing anything after dinner?" Harry asked it a little too casually and instantly, both B'Elanna and Tom knew that he was fishing for information. And they knew why.

"Let me guess, you want to know if we got invited to the Captain's Quarters too huh?" B'Elanna's eyes twinkled as she made that statement.

Harry's face fell a little when he realized that they did, but then inexplicably, it brightened. Tom picked up on it. "Don't tell me you think that the Captain was planning to promote you privately?"

Harry turned red and looked down. B'Elanna started giggling.

"Yep, that's what he thought. You really are an eternal optimist Harry."

"Hey a guy can dream can't he?"

"Well that's about all you're going to get to do until you reach home. There isn't a place for another officer on Voyager, you have to accept that Harry."

"I know, I know I'll get it one day."

Neelix came and sat down at the empty seat at their table. He looked to the three officers like a cat who swallowed a canary. Tom took one look at B'Elanna and she knowing what he was thinking started to giggle. Tom joined her with an amused look on his face.

"Let me guess Neelix. You have somewhere special to go to after dinner tonight."

"As a matter a fact, I do. I have been invited………"

"To the captain's Quarters after dinner. We know Neelix." Harry finished for him. He was still kind of peeved that he was that transparent when it came to his emotions.

"Oh." Neelix looked crestfallen and everyone at the table knew that he had been hoping to be invited to a personal audience with the captain. But he brightened up as soon as another thought hit him.

"Does that mean that all of you were invited?"

"Yes." B'Elanna answered for them all.

"Mr. Paris" The Doctor came up to them waving a PADD. "I need your help, I have a dinner invitation for tonight……" Four PADDs went up in the air as he said this.

"Oh, I see that all of you got one too."

"Well," Disappointment lined the Doctor's tone, but he tried hard to underscore the hurt he felt that he hadn't been invited to give his opinion to the Captain on a variety of subjects personally.

"If that is the case, then I won't need your help anymore."

"Seven of Nine to the Doctor." His combadge activated with the call.

"Join us in the Mess Hall Seven and we'll talk about what you need to do to prepare for the after dinner festivities this evening."

* * *

"Janeway to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"I need your help in my quarters."

Chakotay was trying hard to stifle a laugh, he had a sneaky suspicion he knew what he was being summoned for.

"On my way."

"And Commander."

"Yes Captain?"

'It's not funny."

Chakotay couldn't contain himself and snorted. In her quarters, Kathryn had tears coming down her cheeks, it was so ridiculous the predicament that she found herself in.

* * *

"Kathryn, why are you doing this?"

Kathryn shoved a plate in his arms which was already full with other dishes that had to be recycled because the desert that she had been working on did not come out as she would have liked it. He swirled his tongue in his mouth. It didn't come out as _anyone_ would have liked it……except maybe a Bolian.

He piled the dishes carefully in the replicator and pressed the recycle button.

She turned suddenly to face him. In her hands she had the last of the failed dishes and a couple of PADDs that she had been trying in vain to put…….somewhere. Her expression went from exasperated to unreadable in six seconds flat. It was enough to make Chakotay pause. The space filled with silence as he waited for Kathryn to say something.

She put another expression on. It was one of bemusement.

"I thought that I could try to duplicate my mother's recipe, I mean how hard can it be to put a little more cinnamon in the original recipe of the replicator? That's what my mother's tastes like. The replicated apple pie with a little more cinnamon. But this thing has so much cinnamon in it that it's actually hot."

Kathryn went back to her work and finally found some place to put the PADDs. Chakotay knew that was not what was on her mind to say when she had turned around, but he decided to let it pass. He would know when it was time.

"Do you want my help for anything besides ruining my taste buds and cleaning up?" Chakotay placed his hands on hips and had a twinkle in his eye as he asked the question.

"What else did you have in mind Commander.?" Chakotay turned to the replicator and punched in a couple of commands. Immediately, the Captain's Quarters smelled of……

"You have a recipe for apple pie? Why didn't you just say so?" Kathryn put on an expression of mock exasperation when she saw the pie sitting on the replicator.

"You didn't ask. Besides, you're the Captain, you're in charge of this mission."

"Oh no, you were always in charge of the cooking remember?"

"That was only when we were planet bound. Since last year, I've had to live with your attempts to cook instead of using the programmed recipes in the replicator, so I figured well now I get to share the experience with the senior staff."

Kathryn swatted him with the towel over her shoulder for that remark. Chakotay grinned.

"Come on help me light the candles, and oh Chakotay chose some music for me"

Kathryn busied herself setting up and Chakotay followed her lead.

"Kathryn, you have pie in your hair. You may want to wash that out before your guests arrive."

"Thanks." And with that she hurried to the bathroom from her bedroom.

"Chakotay, don't forget your dish for tonight."

"I didn't."

* * *

He was lighting the final candles as the door rang.

"Come." He said without thinking and the door opened to reveal Tom and B'Elanna.

The sight of the Commander being so domestic in the Captain's quarters spoke a lot to both Tom and B'Elanna about the amount of times that he had been there previously doing the same thing.

"Hey you two, come on in. Kathryn's in the bedroom she'll be out in a minute."

The looks on their faces got to him and he started cracking up.

"Ensign, please. I thought that the pool had been cancelled, I didn't think that you would still have it running after all this time and all these……experiences in the past years."

Tom turned red, but fortunately Kathryn entered the room at the same time.

"What's so funny?"

"You don't want to know." Chakotay excused himself to go to the replicator and program his own contribution to the pot luck desert.

The door bell rang again and Kathryn welcomed Tuvok.

Eventually the rest of the senior officers arrived and joined them.

* * *

"It wasn't an easy task, let me tell you explaining all of you to the inhabitants of the planet in such a way that we wouldn't harm their natural evolution."

B'Elanna had everyone's attention as she related the story of how she managed to stay alive on the L-class planet where she and Harry had been stranded.

"He didn't get the Vulcans at all."

Tuvok's eyebrows rose at that comment.

"Naturally. Until one interacts with a Vulcan, it is very difficult for an emotionally charged species to understand how one's whole way of life can be guided by logic."

"One thing about Kellis. He was a quick study. I think he did a great job getting your character across despite not understanding Vulcans. But…" B'Elanna giggled. "He was a little off on the romance. Let's see, he had Tom and Seven kissing, he had Harry kissing the Delany sisters and the Captain and the Commander kissing."

The looks on four of the senior officer's faces as well as Seven's was enough to send B'Elanna into peals of laugher. The look that passed the Captain and the Commander's face was the one that caught Tom by surprise. They looked as taken aback as Seven did. Tom sat with his arm around his woman and wondered if he had been wrong about Voyager's top two officers all these years, maybe they are only just friends……….

Nah!

"The most interesting part of the narrative was his casting me into the role of the Borg Queen. Why did he make such an interesting character choice?" Seven leveled her question at B'Elanna who turned red.

Tom snickered and Harry was trying his best not to laugh out loud.

"Have I said something funny?" Seven asked her question to the Doctor.

"Trust me Seven, let it drop, you don't want to know." Came the reply.

"It was probably because he wanted to portray as many people from the crew that he found out about by going through the logs." B'Elanna tried in vain to come up with a plausible explanation.

Seven decided to let it go. It was probably better that she didn't know.

"What about me, what did he write about me?" The Doctor was very enthusiastic about his possible role in the play.

"Well actually,…." B'Elanna hesitated before she continued. "I didn't describe you to him. I just thought it would have been easier to leave you out of it." The others smiled as the Doctor looked crestfallen.

"The thing is while he got it, he didn't get it. The more I think about it the more I think I understand why that was the case. He had some prescription of how emotions should be played out; of how connections should be made manifest, but when I came along and our logs came into play he tried to make sense of our connections by making it fit into his mold. But it didn't fit. I guess in a way he sensed how close we all are and was trying to portray the emotion or logic of all the different types of love that he heard. But he portrayed it as romance only. Deep friendships, devotion to duty, loyalty; they are the quiet aspects of all love, and not as overly dramatic as the romantic, because you need to know background first and he only got snapshots, not the behind the scenes actions that would make the quiet aspect as dramatic as romance. That's not in our logs."

B'Elanna's head was furrowed, she was deep in thought and her brain processes were going. Tom realized that she was treating this like an engineering puzzle to figure out. Something had happened when she was a muse for this playwright, something that had touched her deeply. He hadn't realized how much she was digesting the experience until she was speaking.

"The funniest thing was that all the time I kept looking at all the kissing and all the dramatic romance that was going on, I knew that all of you were quietly efficiently doing your jobs, worrying and waiting, trying to keep hope alive that we were not lost to you. I know that I've done it enough times over the years."

At that, B'Elanna seemed to snap back and take a look around her. The other officers were sitting looking at her with rapped expressions on their faces. Their expressions were ones of shock and she understood why. She was so caught up in trying to analyze and to understand the experiences that she had on the planet and she was so comfortable with all the members of the room, that her musings were done aloud. It was only when she realized what she had done, she began to feel self conscious and she searched her mind desperately for something to say to lighten up the mood.

"Or maybe you didn't need to do that, maybe the Doctor has come up with an Emergency Engineering Hologram plan that would replace me if something to happen." B'Elanna smiled ruefully as she said this statement and prayed.

The doctor seemed to pick up on her prayer. "Well there's an idea that I hadn't thought about, but in all fairness I don't think that will ever happen. I'm not programmed to curse in Klingon or any other language for that matter."

"And for that reason alone lieutenant you are irreplaceable." Tuvok finished the sentence for the Doctor. B'Elanna looked at him in amazement

"Hear, hear" Tom said squeezing B'Elanna just a little tighter. He was so happy to have her back.

B'Elanna stole a look at Chakotay. For some reason she had avoided looking at him when she had first started speaking. He was staring at her and even though he wasn't smiling, the naked pride and affection that shown from his eyes touched her deeply.

The Doctor was continuing, "Although I think I can manage to program an Emergency Operations Officer Hologram and I definitely can program one that has better skill playing the clarinet."

"I don't think you'd want to do that, why waste all that hot air needlessly." Harry shot back.

The rest of them dissolved into giggles. Kathryn was sitting on the floor next to Seven and the Doctor as she looked at her senior officers sprawled out on her sofa and chairs, laughing and talking. She was glad that she had decided to do this.

* * *

"Good night Captain, Commander. Sleep tight." B'Elanna playfully punched her lover's arms as he made that statement. They were the second to last people to leave the Captain's quarters, and she knew that Tom was implying something in his statement, something that the Captain and the First Officer would obviously get.

"Tom, I don't date crewmen"

"Yes Ma'am. Sorry Captain, Commander."

"Goodnight you two." The two officers stood with straight faces as if he said the most natural thing in the world and waited for the door to close.

As Tom and B'Elanna left, they were puzzled. How could they miss what he had implied?

* * *

As soon as the door swooshed closed, Kathryn and Chakotay collapsed on the dinning are chairs around the messy table and began laughing. It was laughter full of relief and quiet joy over what they had heard and shared with their senior officers.

"That Helmboy!" Kathryn said with one of her famous looks on her face; the one that she normally reserved for Tom when he was being his most mischievous.

"Well you started it." Chakotay charged.

"What are you talking about?" Kathryn asked.

"You took forever in that bedroom, if you had come out a little sooner….."

"If you hadn't sent me there….."

"If you didn't have pie in your hair….."

"If the stupid replicator would have gotten the recipe right…."

"If you just made the standard pie instead of experimenting, then Tom wouldn't have made the comment that he did"

Kathryn was silent at that and the thoughtful look that she had on her face before the others came to her quarters, was back.

Chakotay knew that now was the right time.

"Why did you do this Kathryn? It's not like you."

Kathryn had been staring at him intently when they were bantering back and forth, but now she looked down and slowly began gathering dishes to recycle. Chakotay could tell by the look on her face that she was also gathering her thoughts. He leaned back in his chair and looked up at her. All of a sudden Kathryn stopped and stared directly at him.

"I was just so glad to have them back that I wanted to do something special for our family. We've lost 16 people after I destroyed the caretaker's array and I have never cried over them. I've grieved, but as a Captain, not as a friend. But yesterday when we thought they were lost, I grieved as both and I cried. The part that was their friend, cried."

The look on her face was haunted and familiar. He remembered at once where he had seen it. Kathryn was a woman whose emotions ran the full gamut along her face when she was with him. Sometimes he couldn't remember some of them, but there were others used so infrequently and at times when she allowed herself to be the most vulnerable, that he never forgot them. When she found out that she had lost Mark, she had worn that same expression. He was quiet and gave her space to continue.

Kathryn got up and placed the dishes in the replicator. He handed another set to her, but he didn't get up from where he was sitting. She cleared the table and wiped it down. He realized that she was still gathering her thoughts and as she was doing so, he was gathering his….about her. About this amazing woman standing in front of him, this woman who was his Captain and his best friend.

Finally she sat and looked directly at him. "I've always been comfortable with the distance between Captain and Crewman. It helps in dealing with things like ordering one of your crew to die to save others or to deal with the inevitability of losing people in space. But being here Chakotay, being alone in this quadrant, I've grown to depend on all of you. There is a connection here between myself and the senior staff of this crew that is as deep as the one I have to my own family. I hadn't realized that until I sat in my ready room and cried for two of my senior Officers. And now I just wanted to do something, to let them know that they are treasured members of my family, before I have to be the Captain again and put them in harm's way, for the sake of all of us."

Chakotay took her hand and she held on to it as if it were her lifeline. And given everything that he was seeing on her face, he supposed it was.

"Why your quarters?"

"I wanted it to be personal. You and I share so many meals here, I wanted them to know a little part of Kathryn in the midst of Captain and I figured this was an OK way to do it." Her voice was soft as she answered.

"Besides" Slowly her grin turned a little wicked as she thought of something.

"I don't want you always showing me up. I mean after having dinners and lunches in the Commander's Quarters, one would wonder why the Captain despite everything they've gone though wouldn't have them over in her quarters for at least a drink or desert."

"I thought that B'Elanna told me that Tom, Harry and Neelix had been in your quarters before."

"That was only when they were researching something for me and we just happened to meet here, it's not to say that I had specifically invited them."

"Well I haven't either."

"What?"

Chakotay smiled at her shocked face. "I never entertained any other of the senior staff or anyone else in my Quarters Captain, they're my private domain."

"But Chakotay, I can practically walk in and out of there anytime I please, I've been in there so many times. I even know what's on your mind by examining the state of your quarters."

_We've stormed in each other's offices, lives and quarters uninvited, each knowing when the other needed it._

Chakotay couldn't say where that thought came from, but it formed his mind and with it brought a bittersweet sense of déjà vu. He stared at Kathryn and really saw her, _all_ of her. The woman who had stormed into his life to capture him physically had captured him spiritually by asking him to join her on this journey.

Chakotay's face was deadpan as he said, "I think that says _a lot_ doesn't it Kathryn?"

_Three years ago, I didn't know your name…….._

_And now six years later I cannot imagine one day without you._

Her _voice_ and her _thoughts_ coming back to her

And she knew why:

………_whenever you need to, you can read this and know that as I have promised you, I am with you._

**_Always_**

Kathryn held their joined hands up and entangled their fingers, like their individual journeys through this quadrant, they were together.

It was his voice and his words that enabled her to say to him,

"I think it says _everything_." Kathryn held him with the look. The look that she gave him on New Earth when they were doing the same thing.

The End:

**Part 21: A Mile in their shoes.**


End file.
